Why am I discouraged? Why am I restless?
I should trust you, Lord.
I will praise you again because you help me, and you are my God.
Psalm 42:5 CEV
I struggle with a variant of SAD – Seasonal Affect Disorder. It usually affects me in the late fall and winter months when the days are shorter and often cloudier. The wet, rainy, cloudy weather we recently endured had me longing for sunshine. SAD manifests itself as gloominess which doesn’t so much hit you as it sneaks up on you. Even though I have resources to keep it at bay, stress and certain intense situations can easily be followed by bouts of melancholy and feelings of hopelessness.
When the affects of SAD creep up I find myself often repeating a phrase from one of David’s psalms, “Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?” (Psalms 42:5). I can feel this growing void inside me. God seems distant at best. I often question my relationship with God and chide myself for not praying enough or failing to read my Bible. I wrestle with an unspoken and inaccurate assumption: Christians, and especially pastors, are not supposed to struggle with depression and hopelessness.
We all have expectations and beliefs about our lives and about God. We plan, dream, and live accordingly. When our expectations go unfulfilled or our assumptions about God prove false, it’s as if we miss the chair that should support us and we sit with a thud on the floor. Embarrassed, disoriented, ashamed, we holler, “Stop the world! I want off!” and look for a place to hide and maybe cry. We feel alone, but we’re not. There are people all around us who are putting on a good show but inside are struggling with the haze and gloom of depression. A number of men and women of faith in the Bible experienced those same feelings of hopelessness and despair: Job, Jonah, Moses, Mary, Elijah – to name a few. When we look at their lives, we can discover factors that lead to depression and ways to respond to it.
Although depression can occur without an apparent cause, one major trigger is loss. We tend to experience loss in one or two areas at a time. Job lost everything all at once: possessions, family, health, position in community, job. In the course of a few short hours everything was gone except his wife, who lovingly told him to curse God and die, and three friends, who in most encouraging ways told him that it was his own fault. Job’s loss shook his faith to the very core; he wished he had never been born. We may not experience loss to the degree Job did, but loss and grief can combine to plunge us into an emotional darkness.
Jonah’s reason for feeling hopeless sounds rather petty in comparison: he was furious with God for canceling plans to destroy Nineveh. Jonah was kind of looking forward to the destruction of one of Israel’s staunch enemies. But when Nineveh repented and God didn’t rain down destruction Jonah sulked. Anger such as Jonah’s can lead to depression.
Moses wasn’t angry at God, but he did get angry at the people God had called him to lead. They whined, complained, threw fits, disobeyed God’s explicit instructions, failed to trust God, were ungrateful … the burden alone caused depression and despair. But anger can also lead to poor response. On one occasion the murmuring and complaining became too much; instead of speaking to the rock, Moses in anger struck the rock. God still gave water, but Moses spent time enduring the shame of failing God and still had to deal with the consequences of his action at the end of his life – he was not allowed to enter the Promised Land. Wrestling with the aftermath of our anger can result in disappointment and depression.
Physical or emotional exhaustion is another cause of depression. Elijah’s victorious stand against the prophets of Baal required a great deal of physical and emotional energy. If that were not enough, Elijah then ran for his life because Queen Jezebel wanted to kill him. Elijah’s exhaustion led to depression. When hope seems gone and depression sets in it becomes difficult to get that spent physical and emotional energy back. Elijah went alone into the desert, found a broom tree, sat down, and prayed, “I have had enough, Lord… Take my life” (1 Kings 19:4). Some of you may have come to that place in your life. You want out: “I just want to run away.” “I need a vacation NOW!” “Stop the world! I want off!” “What’s the use? I’m not making a difference anyway.” “This life isn’t worth it anymore.” In our heart of hearts, we know these reactions aren’t quite right but this is what we are feeling, this is our reality.
Thankfully, the lives of those in the Bible who suffered depression and hopelessness also show us four key ways to respond:
First, Pray Honestly. Your prayers may seem self-centered. That’s okay, God is already fully aware of you. Don’t be afraid to pour out your heart to God passionately and honestly. Reeling from his losses, Job said, “I will not keep silent; I will speak out in the anguish of my spirit. I will complain in the bitterness of my soul” (Job 7:11). Throughout the discourse of nearly 30 chapters, Job refused to be condemned unjustly. While God did not give the reason why, God did honor Job for his honesty.
Elijah was honest with God about his feelings, “I have been very zealous for the lord God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, broken down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me” (1 Kings 19:10&14). Hopelessness thrives on unexpressed feelings. When we hold onto our anger, disappointment, and pain we nourish depression. When we express our true feelings to God, we open a channel for God to work.
Next, Identify Distorted Thinking. Distorted thinking isn’t always apparent to us when we are depressed. After Elijah declared to God, “I am the only one left,” God reminded him that 7000 faithful followers remained (1 Kings 19:18). Hopelessness often shifts the focus inward and distorts our perspective. With Jonah, God provided a plant to give the prophet shade, and the next day sent a worm to destroy the plant. When Jonah complained, God used the plant to help correct Jonah’s faulty thinking. If we will be open to the possibility that assumptions could be wrong and focus upwardly and outwardly instead of inwardly, God can realign our view.
Make Physical Adjustments. Because depression is an illness of the body, mind, and spirit, adjustments to one area can positively affect the others. When Elijah was ready for God to take his life, God’s first response was to meet his physical needs. He allowed Elijah to sleep. An angel brought food and encouraged him to get further rest. Because I now understand how SAD affects me, I have installed daylight spectrum lightbulbs, take extra doses of vitamin D, take a mild anti-depressant, get out in the sun as much as possible, and strive to exercise more. Attend to your physical needs of rest, exercise, change in diet, or other factors. Be willing to talk with your doctor, especially if depression persists or you can’t identify any underlying causes.
And Share Your Burdens. Our tendency is to crawl inside ourselves; instead, we need to allow and even ask others to share the burden. When Moses expressed his discouragement, God told him, “Bring me seventy of Israel’s elders who are known to you as leaders… They will help you carry the burden of the people so that you will not have to carry it alone” (Numbers 11:16-17). Elijah was instructed to anoint three people to various positions, the most important of which, I believe, was Elisha, his successor. For Elijah, this gave him a purpose and a companion. God has blessed me with a loving and supportive wife, and I have several colleagues who, in different ways, help me to “carry the burden.”
We are not exempt from depression; even believers can lose hope. It is not a moral weakness. It can, however, result from loss, exhaustion, and carrying a burden alone – circumstances to which we are all vulnerable. Yet, in the chaos of depression and hopelessness, God is still faithful. If we will respond with honest prayer, realigned thinking, physical adjustments, and a willingness to share, God can and will fortify our faith and enable us to persevere.
Take a moment right now to respond to whatever it is in your life that you are dealing with. Silently pray to God with honesty and passion. Purposely let God to know your heart’s desire. Allow God to realign any perspectives and show you the way.
On the Journey with You,
DS John